Living with the Unimaginable: Surviving Murder-Suicide Loss
by Tawna Righter
The stories are plastered across the news: “Family Dies in Murder-Suicide” or they are simply mentioned in a few short sentences on Page 5 that another man has killed a woman and then himself. The scenarios differ slightly but the general outcome is the same: someone, usually a male, kills one or more persons and then himself. Families are horrifically devastated and communities are shocked and confused by the drastic actions taken by someone they knew to be a nice person. Unfortunately, it is a repeating scenario nearly everyday in America. 
Statistics collected from news clippings by the Community Awareness and Support Center, an organization founded specifically for murder-suicide survivors, show that 2008 experienced 533 murder-suicide events with the loss or wounding of more than 1,200 Americans. These tragedies leave countless numbers of survivors from the immediate families and friends, to work or classmates and first responders. I became one of these statistics in November of 1990 and then again in November 1998.
In November 1990, my best friend’s husband killed her and then himself, leaving three young children orphaned. I recall being very angry with him, yet having compassion for the children and other members of his family having to cope with the fact that their son killed her and then himself. Never did I imagine in my worst nightmares that I would join them in that plight just eight years later.
My son Michael was a bright young man who had never harmed another person in his young life. In November of 1998, he shot and killed his estranged girlfriend and then himself. They were both only 22 years old. I still do not really know why he made such a terrible choice. I now know that most suicides and probably most murder-suicides are the result of mental illness, diagnosed and undiagnosed. I believe my son may have had some bipolar issues that we were unaware of (as he probably was as well). To say that I was shocked and horrified by his actions would be an understatement of epic proportions.
He just was not the type that you would anticipate taking such actions. The majority of murder-suicides are among intimate partners. Our research since his death has indicated that many perpetrators have never been violent before. This is not simply a domestic violence problem although many are domestic-violence related, as in my friend’s situation. Unfortunately, many were known as normal, kind, loving people who somehow found themselves at the end of their ability to cope with life. Possibly feeling hurt and angry enough at their victim(s) to kill them or feeling such an overwhelming sense of love and misguided devotion that they felt their family could not survive without them and they extended their suicide to include their family. Perpetrators and victims come from all lifestyles and occupations; no one is exempt. In 2008, the highest group was the Baby Boomers, ages 44-63. There are many scenarios related to this subject, but the result is the same– devastation for those left behind.
Sadly, my family is not alone in this suffering, with the number of murder-suicides occurring now, one every 10 hours in 2009 so far, there are likely more than 20,000 new survivors annually. It is usually assumed that six persons become survivors for every suicide; a murder-suicide, then, likely has 16 or more. Yet most have never spoken out or are able to tell their story, as many want to do.
While much of the grief process is similar to surviving loss from suicide, it also has the added complexities of the homicide(s) that preceded it. There are many complicated issues that people may have to deal with as a new survivor, everything from investigations, unexpected funerary expenses and disagreements, the media, to potential wrongful death suits against the loved ones’ estate and more.
If you have experienced a murder-suicide some issues you may have to deal with or consider include:
• Cooperate with all investigations. Some murder-suicides receive full investigations and many others do not. Make yourself available for the investigators; it will help speed things along.
• Ask questions until you do not feel the need to. You may even want a copy of the police and coroner’s reports; there is typically a fee for this. If you did not witness or see the trauma scene, you probably should not obtain copies of the scene photos. Your imaginings are bad enough.
• Trauma Scene Clean-up: most homeowners or the landlord’s property insurance will cover this expense when done by professionals. Please contact a hazardous waste professional to take care of this. They can be found in the yellow pages or online.
• Funerary Issues: often there are disagreements about whether they should be buried with each other or not, particularly in the cases of familicides (murder-suicides). Find a mediator if you cannot reach an agreeable solution. Keep children and their needs and desires associated with the trauma in mind when making these decisions.
• The media is usually a factor. You may want to have a friend or spokesperson read a carefully worded statement for you. I do not recommend that you give any interviews until YOU are ready, if at all. Be aware that there are often errors in the reporting of the murder-suicide event. This may make you angry. Many survivors choose not to read or listen to any of the news reports regarding their loved ones’ death.
• You may have legal issues to contend with such as; estate probates, wrongful death suits, and other suits against the estate. You may want to seek out qualified legal assistance in those areas.
• What Do I Tell Others? Depending on how comfortable you are with telling your story and to who you are telling it to, you may want to tell the complete story. At first you may only want to, or be are able to, say that your loved one died by suicide. Many have difficulty even with that, and may want to say that their loved one died in a tragedy that they are not able to talk about yet. It ALL depends upon the individual, and what you are ready for! It can be very difficult to admit that someone you loved and cared about took the life of another and then their own. Many people often react with shock of horror. Even when they try to be understanding, they cannot seem to help their initial response of horrified shock.
• You may want to reach out to family and friends. Hardly anyone will know what to say, you may have to start it by sharing your feelings with them and asking for help. Do not expect everyone to respond positively, many will still find the act of a murder-suicide too difficult. Many may be angry initially and will respond with anger. You may feel angry yourself about what has happened.
• Do not hesitate to ask for help. You may find it difficult to carry on your daily activities, especially if you have young children. Ask someone or accept someone’s offer to help. Traumatic grief can be debilitating; seek professional help for potential Post Traumatic Stress Distorder symptoms.
• EVERYONE grieves differently! There is no set pace, or period for growth in your survival. Many parts of this process will repeat and cycle over repeatedly as time goes on. Cry and do not be ashamed– you have reason, cry until you do not need to anymore. I can still recall 11 years later the first day that I did not cry at all. It was a sign that I was moving forward, but it took over a year for it to happen.
• Many survivors find it helpful to talk to someone else who has suffered a similar loss. To date, there are no Murder-Suicide Survivor Support Groups but there are many suicide survivor groups for in-person attendance. However, an online group is available: yahoo@solos-m.com. Just sign on and post something, someone will respond and then a few more will jump in to help another survivor. I found this group to be one of the most helpful tools in my grief process.
• Some survivors also find it helpful to talk with a mental health professional in individual counseling to help cope with the trauma and the grief that goes beyond “normal.” Ask if they have experience with trauma and suicide. post traumatic stress and traumatic grief can be very debilitating. Many survivors have difficulty with concentration, sleeping too long, or not sleeping at all, eating too much or not at all, and/or overwhelming sadness and depression. You may experience an inability to function in social situations. The inability to function at your regular level is normal for a while.
• Let go of the guilt. You did not do this, nor would you have chosen it. This can take time and concentrated effort. As a mother, I searched every memory for what I did or did not do that would have somehow changed this outcome. The answer, ultimately, was nothing, which can be difficult to accept in itself.
• Seek laughter and joy. It does not take anything away, but it is a better distraction than self-medicating, gambling, shopping, isolating, or any of the more destructive distractions. Seek healthy distractions; remember that too much of anything is not necessarily a good distraction.
• You may find comfort in community support and religious or spiritual involvement. Some people find that they are angry at their spiritual being and will not want to participate in religious practices where they did before the murder-suicide occurred. Other survivors have difficulty processing the eternal life and death questions that arise; you may want to seek spiritual advice to help resolve those issues.
• Anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays will likely be especially difficult and may bring on unexpected and overwhelming sadness; these are normal experiences regardless of how long it has been. You can plan for these days accordingly. Know that they are difficult and do not expect to focus or concentrate as well. I generally do not plan anything important on those days, but rather I give myself the day to reflect lovingly, with laughter and tears, on my son’s life and not on his death and the circumstances surrounding it.
• Be good to you! Many murder-suicide survivors feel suicidal for a while, as this can be very overwhelming. Give yourself plenty of time to work through your grief. This experience will change you. Do not expect to be the same person you were before it touched your life, a new normal will emerge.
There is hope! You can survive. Learning to live in the aftermath of my son’s murder-suicide is by far the most devastating and challenging experience of my life. It took me nearly to the end of myself, but I am a survivor of 11 years now with a lot of pain and growth in that time. My life once again has joy in it. The pain lessens with time; you can find meaning and some measure of peace again in your life, too.
The Community Awareness and Support Center; Murder-Suicide Aftercare is the first and only organization dedicated to murder-suicide survivors. It can be found on the web at www.caascenter.org. or reached by email at info@caascenter.org.
About the Author
Tawna Righter lives in Blachly, Oregon, in the United States. Tawna is Co-Founder with her daughte,r Jamie, and President of the Board of Directors for Community Awareness and Support Center: Murder-Suicide and Suicide Aftercare. She is a murder-suicide survivor, researcher, speaker, and writer on awareness and postvention care of murder-suicides. Her email is tawna@caascenter.org