Hands Across the Ocean
By Karyl Chastain Beal
The Internet has removed fences and geographic borders, changing the face of grief support groups. Even the ocean is no longer a barrier to connecting with people … just like us.
When I attended face-to-face support group meetings shortly after my daughter Arlyn took her life, the other people there were people that I could easily have bumped into while shopping at Wal-mart, going to a medical appointment, or attending church. We read the same newspaper, our children attended the same schools, and we generally spoke with the same southern accent. They were people I related to because we shared the same community environment.
Now, however, people who join the Parents of Suicides (POS) & Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS) Internet Community for grief support will find a totally different group of folks to connect with. Some of them may live in the same state, or a state far away, but it’s just as likely that the people they connect with will live in France, Zimbabwe, New Zealand, China, or Ireland. They may speak with a Russian or German accent, a Scottish accent, a Portuguese accent, or an English or Australian accent.
Is it possible for people whose language and cultures are so different to bond, just because they have one thing in common: the death of someone to suicide?
Absolutely yes. Not only do the members of the POS and FFOS groups connect with each other, from all over the world, but some of them have formed friendships they expect to keep for the rest of their lives. Their friendships have been solidified by in-person visits, phone calls, gift exchanges, and more.
POS began on October 9, 1998 when a few people, all Americans, found each other on the Internet and decided to join together to help each other cope with the incomprehensible loss of their sons and daughters to suicide. They were desperate to know that they were not alone in grief.
Before the first year ended, Glennis Hunter (Kristin’s mum) from New Zealand and Bob & Lynda Humphrey (Darren’s parents) from England joined the group. We discovered that, aside from the fact Glennis and Lynda were mums rather than moms, their feelings, experiences, problems and concerns were much like ours. We were not from two different planets, after all.
During the years, hundreds of other “international” members joined POS and FFOS. From the very beginning, they have participated in our various projects. Some of them have squares on our memorial quilts and recipes in our memorial cookbooks. They join us regularly in the group’s private chat room, even though their time zones do not match ours. They serve as group moderators and leaders, and they participate as enthusiastically as the American members do.
In 2002, Bob and Lynda flew over from England to attend one of our retreats, and they have returned to attend almost every retreat since then. (While here, they sometimes travel to other states to visit other members of the group in person. When they return to England, they always make a point to remember the sons and daughters of POS members in the annual candlelight vigils they attend during the holiday season.)
Members from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Ireland, Scotland, and South Africa have attended retreats, too – some of them more than once.
But the ocean can be crossed both ways. Some of the members of the groups visit their POS and FFOS friends when they travel overseas. They’ve even taken vacations together, sending back happy photos of themselves together having fun.
Within the group, we sometimes discuss and compare community attitudes as they relate to death, suicide and grief. Even though some of the views may be different from ours, viewpoints and experiences also may be different from state to state, so in the big scheme of life, we find that we are all more alike than different.
We may also discuss and compare social issues such as mental health services, the legal and judicial system, and medical services. We gripe and complain about them, but we also acknowledge the positives. In our discussions, we discover that we have a great deal in common when it comes to dealing with social and political conditions without our countries.
Our e-mail connection has been enhanced by retreats and real-life visits, but it’s also been influenced by the ability to chat with each other daily, to exchange photos, and to even make phone calls to other countries easily, thanks to Skype.
At times, the members of the Internet support groups actually forget that there is an ocean separating us from each other, because the daily connection is so real and alive. Our grieving experience is enriched by the connection with people from all over the world.
Broken hearts are universal, but thanks to the Internet, our hands reach across the ocean, and we find other hands reaching back to help us heal.
About the Author
Karyl Chastain Beal lost her daughter, Arlyn, to suicide on August 7, 1996. Since then, she retired from teaching 5th grade and leads the Parents of Suicides (POS) and Friends & Families of Suicides (FFOS) Internet Communities. She’s also an active member of the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network, SPAN USA, and AFSP. Karyl and her husband Ronnie live in Columbia, Tennessee near their son Ron and his wife Monet. E-Mail Karyl at karylcb@bellsouth.net or call 931.388.9289.